Since beginning our blog in 2010, we have learned what Internet Trolls are all about. We have had some angry people post some angry comments on various online locations, and unfortunately, sometimes people follow these haters and get all irate, themselves. To date, Brian and I have chosen to ignore these comments, not to dignify them with an answer. Truly, there is only a handful in comparison with the outpouring of support. There was also a good chance that any comment we made would simply result in further argument, as, in my experience, someone who hates usually doesn't want their mind changed. Well, we are taking
one entry here to address this matter. After this, we are going to do our best not to address it any further.
Before we begin, we'd like to stress an important point.
This is an experiment in social media, in community kindness, indie marketing, eco-stewardship, and basically, creating a fun event that's out of the norm. We pose the questions, can we connect a community through blogs, facebook, and twitter? Will individuals contribute as they hear about us through these new-age means? Will commerical artisans and businesses gain promotion through donations of goodies that will be shown off both through that social media, as well as through word of mouth and use at the wedding? This is not about the money, people. If we won the lottery tomorrow, we would still continue with this experiment because we've become fascinated by the response it has received. This is not a charity project--it is a fun and quirky way to have a great time planning and celebrating our wedding, with the added bonus of saving money, reusing and reducing waste, and promoting cool businesses.
The project started out simply: use social media to ask friends and family to find craft supplies, an old suit, and some decorations. It grew, and it grew fast. When strangers and indie artisans asked to be involved, we thought that was super fun. Our modest vision of a backyard wedding soon grew to something far grander...and we have been gratefully amazed every single day. We have worked hard to repay these blessings through trades, time-in-exchange, volunteerism, and word-of-blog promo for everyone. For some, a wedding is a sombre occasion with no room for frivolity; for us, it's been a freakin' adventure from the start, and it's been absolutely wild. We dreamt of a vintage dress and some cupcakes...we have received much more, and best of all, we have made tons of new friends and expanded our own personal community! AND, we aren't even done yet!
But, for those who still have burning questions, let's treat this like an FAQ.
1. "If you want a wedding but can't afford it, why don't you just go to City Hall?"
City Hall is not, for us, a wedding. City Hall is a piece of paper that says the government acknowledges your relationship and will tax you accordingly. This is a license; it is a registration. It is
not a wedding. A wedding is a gathering of family and friends to celebrate the promises made between two people. A civil ceremony is not the same thing, to us. Our familial and spiritual traditions call for a gathering, and we are having one.
2. "Why don't you get a job [variations: 'real job', 'full time job', etc] and pay for this yourself?'
We both have jobs. Brian manages a store. He has worked hard to get to his position. Before working in retail, he was employed by the City; the program he was working for hired him on contract and he was laid off (economy!). Brian put himself through a semester of college before realizing he was unable to afford it. Brian works very hard to be the best in whatever field he finds himself; it's now retail management. I'm proud of him everyday for his hard work in a job that many of us couldn't handle, manage, or put up with.
I went to college, and graduated three years ago. I am employed in my field (social services), routinely as a part time or contract employee; it's cheaper for employers, and funding grants these days are small so a lot of places hire part time. Two summers ago I lost a job that I loved, when the position was 'reconstructed' to reduce costs, resulting in my lay off. I now maintain two part time jobs in my field.
I also freelance paint, illustrate, and design. I do this as frequently as humanly possible. I don't feel a need to justify this area further. It helps pay the bills, and is a nice break from the stressors of working with the homeless, people with addictions, and people suffering traumas.
3. "Why would we give to people who aren't deserving?"
Again, we repeat: this is
not a charity project, so the issue of 'deserving' or 'undeserving' is moot; this is a fun and quirky way to plan our wedding and see what comes out of it. Regardless of our status in life, we would have liked to try this project out.
Secondly: We're being really honest on this blog, so let me include a couple notes here. We chose not to highlight some of the 'poor me' sides of our story. Because we don't really want people getting involved out of a sense of guilt or sympathy.
This is not a charity. We want people to get involved because they have enough, and are able to share. Or because they had their big day, and now there's 25 matching vases sitting in their garage from the centrepieces and that's a waste. Or because they're an artisan and they'd like to contribute and get a shout-out. See, everyone wins: if you donate because you have enough to share, you get to feel good about that; if you donate because your wedding is done and you really would like the space back in your garage, that's awesome; and if you're a craftsperson who could use the promo, this is a win for you, too.
Our own involvement with our community makes us real believers in the joy that comes from helping others. Brian was a member of
Expose in high school and volunteered there, helping teenagers quit smoking; he ran a support group for people who wanted to quit and helped develop programs around the targeting of youth by cigarette company advertising. He received the Goulburn Kiwanis Citizenship Award for his over 3000 hours of volunteerism. He also volunteered at local soup kitchens, summer camps (offering his services as a second-degree karate black belt to provide martial arts lessons to underprivileged kids), and also volunteered as a youth leader at the Y summer camps.
As for myself, I volunteered for a few things in high school but found my real volunteer calling around age 18, when I began volunteering with the Rainbow Youth Advisory Committee at the Youth Services Bureau of Ottawa. I helped to forge a sub-committee that provided free art classes at the Ottawa School of Art for gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, and two spirit (GLBTTQ) kids who felt too bullied in high school to actively participate in art classes. I also helped create a 'coffee house' night at Centretown Community Health Centre, to provide a space for GLBTTQ teens to socialize outside of settings where booze is sold or consumed. I went on to coordinate Pink Triangle Youth for five years running, as well as coordinating the Youth Pride events for two years running, heralding the first-ever youth pride day. I've created art for numerous non-profit causes, including the conception and creation of a fashion line made entirely from materials that homeless people use for warmth and shelter (ie. a blue tarp ball gown). By the time I applied for college, I conservatively estimated I had worked over 3000 volunteer hours, at some points working 25 hours a week on various projects. I have received numerous awards for my activism, and a nomination for the YWCA Women of Distinction Awards. In the fall, I will be involved with various other projects, including taking my position as Artistic Director on a non-profit board that coordinates yearly fundraisers for homelessness.
I highlight these accomplishments to show that both Brian and I understand the value of giving, and the value of community. We have given selflessly for years, and we continue to do so. I question whether all the haters truly understand what giving is all about; I feel confident in saying that Brian and I are
intimate with the concept. We believe, because we practice the concept, that people can help each other out--and not just when people are in the
most dire of circumstances. Indeed, if we were all better connected in our communities, we would likely have less isolation, marginalization, and poverty.
4. "We had to save for our wedding; why don't you?"
The last few years have shown Brian and I that, given our own experiences with health challenges, job loss, family strife, and other hurdles, we are not likely to be in a position to save up for much. Could we save up a small amount of money and have twenty close friends join us in a backyard? Sure. And we were ready to do that. But we decided we'd rather have some fun, reuse and recycle other brides' old decorations, and give some artisans a chance to showcase their work. Isn't this really more fun for everyone in the end? We acknowledge and appreciate that many couples save and save for their big day, but perhaps more of us should be lending, donating, and sharing what we have to make each others' days special. I think a lot of couples fear the loss of control that comes with letting others donate to a day that is highly personal. We have our fears, too, but we are willing to try. If it's not your thing, no problem. Please note, though, that we are not writing on
your blogs, telling you how much you suck for saving up all that money for a stupid party. Because we understand that a wedding celebration is way more meaningful than just a government-recognized certificate.
5. "A wedding is a privilege, not a right; how dare you?"
We think that gathering and celebrating your spiritual and cultural traditions is actually, really, a right. I'm pretty sure what you're really asking is, how dare you feel righteous enough to expect a wedding beyond your pocketbook's means. There's no way to argue this reasonably. Suffice it to say, that's highly elitist and ridiculous.
5.b. "A wedding isn't a marriage; do you understand that the marriage is what counts?"
Yes. We do. When I sat by Brian's side in the hospital this winter (see the blog entries), we got a pre-marriage practice run of the whole 'in sickness and in health' part. Through sickness, lay-offs, a cross-country move, and even deaths, we have been there for each other and we know we're just starting out. We celebrate our love and successes whenever and however we can, and this project is one of those ways. A marriage is hard work, but it's also about celebration of lives shared. So yes, we understand the difference between a wedding and a marriage. We want both.
6. "Aren't you asking for handouts?"
Yep. Bring us your slightly dusty silk flower arrangements that you've held onto for three years. Lend us your microphone that you use once a year at New Years for your family karoake night. Hand 'em on out! Hey, do you know how to make beautiful bouquets, and do you want to make us some? Great! And you know what? Feel free to ask us for a hand any time. Let's
all ask for a hand. And we've actually been able to help other brides with offers since we started. We have been able to pass along wedding goodness to others, and we plan to continue doing so with our own wedding leftovers. Pay it forward!
7. "Where do you get off having rules, expectations, and guidelines?"
Come
on, guys, they're pretty loose. We're mostly worried about getting, say, six offers of a chuppa. Or someone who's willing to make us a cake, but they only make erotic cakes, so are you willing to accept a 5-tier penis tower? Things like that. We set some parameters because we'd be foolish not to. As it is, we've had some duplicate offers and we are actually trying to accommodate everyone so that no one gets a 'no'. Those we can't accommodate, we try to share with others. Because we've opened this experiment up to everyone in the whole wide world, we have to have some guidelines or true chaos would ensue. Seriously, just picture the madness.
Oh yeah, and just because we're trying to save money doesn't mean we don't have some wishlist items. When you're poor, you don't lose your opinions, styles, or taste. We're
human, but we're flexible. I admit, I did not immediately accept my mother's offer of my grandma's 1980's wedding gown. But you know what? If no other suitable offer comes through, Mom and I will mod up that gown, or I'll make something out of old t-shirts, or maybe (here's hoping, constantly) I'll get a fat art commission and be able to afford my own dress. Who knows.
8. "Why do you think it's okay that you want 200 guests?"
Because we have large families that, if at all possible, we don't want to leave out. We see our uncles and aunts maybe twice a year. Outside of Christmas and funerals, it's weddings that gather the families. If we can't support such a crowd, we'll be sad and then we'll move on. Remember, too: with a potluck, disposable china, and homemade centrepieces, the only added expense of 200 people is the invites and the size of venue.
9. "If Brian could afford a ring, why don't you just save again for the wedding?"
This one kind of ticks me off. I have no idea how Brian pulled off getting me a ring. I can tell you, it was very very inexpensive...way way
way less than two months' salary (thanks for that pressure, DeBeers), that's for sure. Brian and I have been working so hard to pay down debts and to be able to afford our apartment and groceries that I really don't know how he did it, but I suspect he went 'without' a lot of times I didn't notice...perhaps not grabbing a sandwich when he got stuck at work for twelve hours, or maybe not filling up on gas by five bucks. I really don't know. I know we looked at a ring before Christmas (just 'cuz it was pretty, and we were walking by) that was about one-fifth the cost of the average engagement ring, and I made him promise not to spend that much ever on a ring for me. He promised, and he swears he stuck to it. The ring is the first piece of jewelry Bri has ever bought me--EVER. I have a shell that he gave me that I made into a pendant, and a five dollar antique key which I also made into a necklace. I
love this ring. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I did not pick it out, I did not know what it would look like, it cost less than the silver plated box most others come in, and it is
the most beautiful ring I have ever seen.
We do not plan to justify every penny of our daily spending over the next year. Because this is not a charity project, but rather a social experiment that happens to also (thank god) be cost-saving, it is not of dire concern if we spend ten extra dollars this week on a pizza. We've shared with you our financial situation because it is, indeed, relevant, but we don't think it should be the entire focus of your interest or participation in the project.
10. "Are you expecting gifts at your wedding, too?"
We don't really
expect gifts ever. We
like gifts. Who doesn't like gifts? So far, only a few people who were on our initial invite list have donated to the wedding, so the majority of people potentially invited aren't donors, if that's your concern, haters. If we have the space, we'd like to have all the donors come, too, of course, and no there would not be an expectation to bring a gift. This question is a weird one to me; how is it any of your concern whether my aunt gives me a blender for our wedding? Unless you are, in fact, my aunt who is writing hateful things, hidden under the cowardly and ever-so-clever alias "anonymous"; in that case, all potential invitees should know that we would never expect a gift from anyone who did not feel, in their heart, that they wished to give one. (My darling aunts: you know I'm teasing and I know you're not posting hateful stuff. xox)
11. "Anything else you'd like to say in your defense?"
Yes.
This is an experiment, and even you haters are part of it. We knew you'd be out there. People with anger, jealousy, fear, or hurt in their hearts, who would need to feel heard. We're going to be moderating blog comments from now on, although we didn't want to; but this is, after all, a happy occasion for us, and you're mucking it up.
This project was born from the fact that we are not wealthy, but the idea was one we
ran with because we saw it as a fun and unique way to promote kindness. And, I personally got really excited about the idea of having businesses contribute because as a freelance artist, I would be alllll over a project like this. I would love to donate something to a wedding where my work would get promoted! Or, as a larger business with resources to spare, what a cool way to get locally involved! How fun!
We aren't sure why you handful of haters have felt the need to try to drag us down. We don't think you have the right to say what type or size of wedding we 'deserve'; we feel we deserve the same as any other couple, actually. This is a special, spiritual day for Brian and I. We want it to be awesome. And we wanted to have some fun with it.
We are loving this project. We've gotten some amazing offers--not because they're fancy or pricey, but because they're from the heart. The woman offering to make us a cake has comments all through our blog at this point; my darling cake angel, you are truly incredible in every possible way. Your kindness is what this project has been all about. I will secretly (ha ha) admit, the one wedding item I have always wanted was a beautiful cake, but I knew I would never be able to afford one. You are making a silly, girlish dream come true--but a great one! And
that, haters, is what this is all about. Is it frivolous, a wedding that involves anything beyond a judge and a courthouse? Well, sure, I guess they all are. But it's a day wrought with more meaning than almost any other in a couple's life. We wanted it to be special the whole way through, so we have literally opened up our lives to the world for the planning year, and we are sitting here with open arms, happy to embrace the community that is out there.
I hope that we will be able to help future couples with their weddings. I'm really enjoying this, and I'm hoping that we gain enough of a following that after the wedding, we can continue this project in some form, perhaps with other weddings for other couples? I don't know, it's so early yet. Let us think on it. Brian and I are givers, and perhaps we were naive in being a little underprepared for those haters out there that are
not. Ah well, you've had your time on the soap box, and now we've had ours.
Last FAQ:
12. "If your project pisses me off, what can I do?"
Stop reading about it.
xoxo,
Jordan and Brian
